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Following Christ’s Example, Pence Observes Poor From Behind Barrier And Escorted By Armed Guards

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Vice President Pence, seen here trying to decide who to show God’s love to first. In the end he went with none.

Adding his name to the long list of great men and women who have followed in the selfless footsteps of Jesus, U.S. Vice President Mike Pence yesterday bore witness to Christ’s enduring example of selfless generosity by observing a roomful of the poor and homeless from behind a chain-link fence, accompanied by a contingent of heavily armed guards.

It was a scathing rebuttal to claims that Mr. Pence, and the Republican Party in general, is hiding a regressive humanity and tininess of heart behind an extremely selective version of Christianity. And later, in a moment that surely God himself smiled down upon during a Fox News commercial break, the vice president went on to assure everyone that the indefinitely caged souls he had mingled with from as little as 15 cubits away were “well cared for.” A statement that made good on the biblical decree that, “Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt strength for their maker.” (Proberbs 14:31)

The vice-president’s example has been widely applauded by millions of like-minded followers of The Church of American Capitalism of Latter Day Collapse.

“And that’s the story of how Jesus stood on the other side of a fence with his arms crossed while coldly staring at a large group of poor people, before departing in a long caravan of sports utility oxen, and returning to his suite in the Ritz-Canaan,” said a mother to her son, as she tucked him into bed for the night.

“Uh, that doesn’t sound right mama,” the little boy said, his empathy yet to be fully reduced to the laser-sharp specificity of today’s religious right. “I thought Christ loved everyone, and especially those most in need.”

“Oh no son. No, no. While Jesus may have said something like that somewhere in one of those testaments, what he meant was that those most in need should go back to where they came from. And if they’re from here, then they should just work harder.

“After all,” the mother added, leaning over to kiss her boy on the cheek, as she reached to turn off the warm, encompassing glow of his bedside light, “That’s how he got to be the son of God. He wasn’t just born that way, you know. He had to work for it.”

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