A small town in Indiana has been spared an utterly avoidable disaster this week, after local police intercepted a potential school shooter. The SWAT-assisted takedown occurred after a neighbour tipped the authorities off to a young man who had stockpiled a huge cache of extremely dangerous products: snacks. One that may contain nuts. (Or possible traces thereof).
“He also had a small army’s worth of semi-automatic weapons and more bullets than all six Rambo movies combined,” said local Police Chief, Ozzy Stretch. “But of course that isn’t what we arrested him for. He’d bought all that online in a completely legal transaction in this totally sane country.”
The lucky break comes just as American students are beginning another in-theatre campaign of trying to survive three season’s worth of active duty patrols (known elsewhere in the world as “a school year”).
“We got lucky this time,” Officer Stretch admitted, as he stood in front of a large wooden table groaning under the load of the orange-wrappered candy seized in today’s dawn raid. “Thank Gawd this alienated and angry young man had a thing for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or we probably wouldn’t have caught him in time.”
“People have all these wacky ideas about how to protect our kids from other kids using tools of war to murder them while they study,” the police chief continued, after being pressed by reporters to explain why the would-be shooter wasn’t on law enforcement’s watch list sooner.
“But what are we supposed to do? Copy the many other industrialized nations that have banned assault rifles? Other than definitively and drastically reducing the number of school shootings, what else would that do? Next question.”
None were forthcoming, as the gathered reporters took in the pathetic spectacle of someone sworn to protect the citizenry throwing his hands in the air at the suggestion of taking most basic of steps to do so. A scene that has become all too familiar in the greatest nation on Earth.
“C’mon folks. Ask me about the nut thing. Some poor kid could have been cross-contaminated. That’s the real story here.”