Immediately following a meeting with climate activist Greta Thunberg on the periphery of the Montreal Climate March, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made a bold, unexpected, but notably on-brand announcement.
“In honour of Ms. Thunberg’s contributions to the fight against climate change,” the prime minister said, looking out over the crowd of people desperately calling for significant action towards lowering this country’s, and indeed the world’s, emissions levels, “We will make sure no one in Canada ever forgets her name. Because it is going to be written on the side of an 1150 km long pipeline!”
He paused for applause.
After a four-second silence in which you could have heard a “There’s No Planet B” button drop, guttural screams emerged from the crowd.
“You doe-eyed dipshit!” shouted one twelve-year-old boy, who later apologized for his language, but said he’d really been hoping for a future. “Face it. You’ve already lost Alberta. But there’s still time to save the world!”
The young man was joined by many other concerned Canadians, none of whom were particularly polite.
“But the proceeds from destroying the planet will go towards saving the planet,” the beleaguered PM declared, to even louder guttural screaming.
“Don’t worry!” Trudeau then shouted, desperately trying to get the momentum back (from 2015), as the protesters began to turn away. “Conservatives are the actual worst when it comes to conservation!”
To this the crowd made agreeable noises. Enough so that Trudeau was emboldened to carry on into a lengthy explanation of the cut-and-thrust of federal politics; including the role of key ridings, electoral analytics, and the importance of the Liberal Party playing the long game when it comes to issues like the environment if they are to get re-elected. By the time he was finished there were fewer people left in the crowd than suited agents in his security detail.
“I have a question,” said one member of the five people left in the area, three of whom were tying their shoes.
“Yes?!” Trudeau said, leaping down and putting the grown man on his knee. “I am all tears. Ears.”
“What good,” the man said, as he clambered awkwardly to his feet, “is the long game, when we’re down to the final few moments left to make a change?”