Wasting no time following the death of former leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the Islamic State today confirmed that they would be going with the horrifyingly obvious choice for a new commander. One who will complete their sworn mission of demolishing the United States of America, thus ushering in a collapse of both Western power and the fundamentalists sworn enemy: rock music, and the mass production of bikinis.
“We are pleased to announce that the successor in our fatwa on the modern democratic process, and obliteration of women’s rights in their entirety,” read the announcement, conveyed via the ISIS propaganda arm of Randy Quaid, “Is none other than Donaldim Trumphdadi.”
“Emir of Assholes, ” the release went on to say, “Caliph of Chaos, and, handily enough, President of the United States, he is the obvious choice, and we welcome him with open arms, as well as the closed-door arms deals of dubious provenance for which he is known.”
The extraordinary, but not-at-all surprising missive then signed off with the common Muslim salutation, albeit with a twist. “Praise Allah. Or, as our new leader likes to say, ‘Praise Dollah.'”
While initially indicating his current responsibilities in the sand trap of the 15th hole preclude him from taking on any additional roles at this stage, especially one as important as undermining the most empowering political system yet devised, in a midday press conference Trump seemed to warm to the idea.
“Look. I’m not going to help ISIS. Let’s just make that clear. Those guys hate me, and I hate them. But. If anyone could help them collapse the entire political and economic structure of the greatest nation on Earth, well …. let’s just say no one would do it like I could. It would be a great downfall. Maybe the greatest downfall ever. America? Not gonna fall. But if someone was going to do it …”
Retweeting a clip of President Trump making this shocking-were-it-not-for-all-the-other-shit-he’s-said statement, ISIS added the following:
“Like an elephant slipping on a blond toupee, we will bring down the mightiest of political pachyderms with their own cheap vanity. Thus we welcome the Trumphdadi to the head of our column of soldiers, dedicated to destroying the United States.”