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All Guns In US Recalled After One Found Covered In Romaine Lettuce

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Pictured: A gun in close proximity to the tainted lettuce. Despite most firearms being made of wipeable materials, when it came to public safety, everyone was quick to agree that it would be best to play it safe.

“We just can’t be too careful when it comes to the possible risk of E. coli contamination,” said the head of the CDC, Ned Sanders, speaking to reporters shortly after his agency informed Americans they would need to turn in their guns, in the wake of a firearm being found in close proximity to some romaine lettuce. “We wouldn’t want anyone to experience extreme diarrhea, in addition to being mortally wounded in one of our nation’s near-daily mass shootings.”

The move comes after a continent-wide warning to destroy all romaine lettuce was issued late yesterday, in response to concerns surrounding an outbreak of E. coli. At last count, 40 people in the United States have become ill from eating the appealing lettuce – nearly as many as the 37,200 people killed by guns in the U.S. in 2016. Thus it was no surprise when every effort was made to protect Americans from the poo leaves. It was having that caution extended to guns that came as something of a shock. 

“I have to say I really didn’t see that coming,” said NRA President Oliver North. “As you all know, I’m a die-hard gun rights advocate. Cold dead hands and all of that. But we just can’t have folks getting sick out there from E. coli. Nasty stuff. It’ll make you feel like the headwaters of the Colorado River moved right into your butt. It’s just not worth it. Turn ’em in folks. It’s for your own good.”

Rocky Rhodes, leader of the Oath Keepers – a heavily armed, far-right American militia that appreciates guns the way a Shih Tzu enjoys barking – agreed. 

“You can’t have a well-regulated militia if every other guy is falling over from gut bother,” Mr Rhodes said, referring to the Second Amendment, and its stipulations regarding the bearing of arms in the United States. “If that E-Koh-Lye has made it under the pillows, and into the glove boxes, and all up into the armouries of ‘Merica, then hell. We’re just gonna have to live without these here handy weapons. Heck of a shame though. They sure never hurt no one. Not like that damned romaine.” 

While the logistics of gathering up the estimated 400 million guns currently in circulation in the United States are certainly daunting, with there being little doubt that people could get hurt otherwise, a rare bipartisan effort has emerged to accomplish the task.

“Not on my watch,” said Republican Senator Marco Rubio, often accused of being in the pocket of big lettuce. “If even one person gets sick from eating a gun, or shooting some salad, I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror again. Will it be easy? No. But if you’d have told me on Monday that by Wednesday no one in America would be eating caesar salads, I’d have called you crazy. And look around you now. We can do this, people. Nay. We must.”

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23 replies »

  1. I had to read this one aloud to my husband, through my laughter. I keep thinking it’s impossible to depict the insanity going on in the States these days, but then you do it — with skewering clarity and wit. Keep ’em coming 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Well, if you place the lettuce on a chair and leaf it there all day it won’t harm anyone.. The US needs better mental heath regulation for veggies.🤙🏻

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  2. The difference here is bad lettuce is directly harming people. There is no heart condition. Guns are a tool which are used to protect 50-100 times more than it is used to harm, according to FBI statistics. When someone chooses to use a gun to harm innocent people, it isn’t the gun itself causing the problem. The problem lies in the heart of the person pulling the trigger and therefore the difference lies in the condition of the heart, not the tool.

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  3. Since global climate change is going to kill us all when we would confiscate guns to save 35,000 lives why not confiscate oil companies to save the world’s population? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am not a fan of guns either but no one is buying them thinking they’re about to have a healthy dinner and then getting sick or dying from eating it. Can you imagine if someone who had that happen to a person they love saw this? I know not that many people died, but they literally died because they ate what was meant to be a healthy salad… then died or ended up with life long complications.

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