This holiday season, as you gather with your most loved and hated ones to celebrate the 2019th anniversary of a particularly bright supernova leading to some interesting conclusions by a few bored shepherds, researchers at the University of Bellend want you to know that whoever is carving your turkey shares something in common with whoever is in charge of your country: They have no idea what they’re doing, but have very likely told you differently.
“Statically speaking, 9 out of 10 people couldn’t tell a breast from a thigh any better than Donald Trump in a Miss Universe dressing room during a power failure,” says Dr. Joyce Cutts, the lead researcher on the study, and someone who doesn’t shy away from either dark meat or humour.
“Our study indicates that despite many people having carved a turkey before, or seen someone do it, or played someone who has done it in a movie, as soon as your average merrymaker is handed a two-pronged fork and a bird shank, that knowledge goes straight out the artificially-frosted window. That and the four glasses of wine most people consume in the first three minutes of your average festive family affair, tends to leave the majority of turkey’s looking like Edward Scissorhands tried to give them the Heimlich.”
While Dr. Cutts jokes, the fact remains that over 3 million people every year lose noses, ears, or toes attempting to “do the honours,” and most ophthalmologists work night and day well into March removing bits of turkey shrapnel that have burned into the eyes of overly-enthusiastic carvers.
“Our study found that most people are primarily focussed on looking like they know what they’re doing,” Cutts says, as she spools up CCTV footage of people in bad sweaters doing horribly unskilled things to a very average eating fowl.
“Of those who don’t know (again that was effectively everyone) will try to buy extra time by asking for a knife sharpener, or claiming they read somewhere that the turkey stays moist longer if everyone just passes the whole thing around the table biting chunks out of it when it comes to them.”
Eventually, the doctor went on to say, most people just end up sticking the knife into the roundest bit and start slicing like a populist politician who promised both tax cuts and a space force.