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Is This The Decade We Stop Burning Shit Like A Bunch Of Neanderthals? Area Man Says “Naargh”

img_2275As the largest human civilization in the history of the planet burns its way into a new year, like passengers on a ship in the middle of the ocean torching the vessel’s hull planks to power the hot tub, many are asking the same question: Am I pregnant?

But those who aren’t one of the 90,500 people per month who ask a search engine to tell them their reproductive status, are asking another, perhaps even more worrisome question: Is this the decade we finally stop acting like cave men, and stop incinerating shit for energy?

To find out, we spoke to a number of neanderthals.

“Naaaaarghhhhhh,” a Canadian man named Domessa Rock shouted, as he attempted to corner a large Dodge Ram while armed with nothing but a key fob and a shearling jacket. “Fire goot! Jet skis need burn shit. In-home cinema not run on wind. Naaaaaaaaargh renewable energy!”

With experts estimating that as many as 1 in 2 voters in western nations still subscribe to views that are little changed since we pooed in one corner of a rock den and slept in the other, it appears that the key to combating climate change may lie in trying to convince people living in the space age to stop living in the stone age. Good fucking luck.

“Yaaaaargh burn. Burn good for planet. Planet fine. Ask any man,” says Mr. Rock’s workmate Thiccessa Brick, when we pick him up from his 6-bedroom, 3-garage modern caveman man cave, on the suburbs of the city.

“Maybe no Australia right now,” he concedes, rubbing his knotty brow bone.

Asked for their thoughts on harnessing the power of the sun, the men pointed out no one knows for certain what the sun even is, but that our best guess is that it’s an irascible god who won’t take kindly to having his essence used to power Teslas.

And on the subject of wind power, they laughed until the truck went off the road and we flipped end-over-end three times before coming to a rest against a gas station. While we waited for emergency services they said, “wind no very good dumb. It looks terrible!”

A cold breeze swept across the bleak brown landscape around us, here in the winter of our false contentment. As the attending firemen cut this reporter’s seatbelt away, and gently positioned a cervical collar around my neck, the original question continued to sound in my bleeding ears: Will this be the decade we turn things around? Sadly, it appears nargh.

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5 replies »

  1. Out and Abouter,

    I cannot get your site to load right now to change my own email address.

    Could you please change my email address to:

    goldcoastjon@gmail.com

    from jonswriter@att.net ?

    Thanks!

    Jon

    Jon Spangler Writer/editor Vice-chair, BART Bicycle Advisory Task Force (BBATF) League Cycling Instructor #3175 Linda Hudson Writing TEL 510-864-2144 CEL 510-846-5356 JonSwriter@att.net goldcoastjon@gmail.com http://www.LindaHudsonWriting.net http://www.linkedin.com/in/jonmspangler

    “The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community.” — Ann Strong — 1895

    >

    Like

  2. Naargh! Who cares. Australia’s on fire, Caiifornia was on fire for weeks. A few articles in the US press, not much. But, what’s the latest from our foul-mouthed president? Ooh, that’s a good one! Honey, shouldn’t we get a bigger car? Hey, I’m chilly- turn up the heat- no, I don’t want to wear a sweater in the house. Why did you buy this local organic spinach? It’s 25 cents a pound cheaper if we buy the regular kind at the supermarket, which came 3000 miles by plane from California to Maine.
    It’s the American way, guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States. Ask anybody!

    Liked by 1 person

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