A group known as The Really True Patriots Who Are Way More Patrioter Than You’ll Ever Be Look It Says So Right On My Shirt, have been forced to cancel their plans to protest new gun controls, after circumstances beyond their control caused TMN to schedule a Rambo movie marathon on the exact same day as their March for Magnums.
The loose association of Duck Dynasty superfans had previously intended to storm Virginia’s state legislature to object to a new law being passed which intends to ban babies from being eligible for open carry permits, and private citizens from mounting Scud missiles to the roofs of their minivans.
But that was before the greatest true story ever depicted on screen, starring the best oiled man-chest of the 20thcentury, was selected for replaying during the precise 12-hour period in which the protest was slated to defend the “Amendment Which Cannot Ever Be Amended Because Amendments Are Not Allowed.”
“There’s only one thing more important than making sure all schools receive their Use In Case Of Emergency firearms, which are to be placed every 50 feet in all major corridors at a height of no greater than two feet so the little ‘uns can get at them when the poop hits the educational facility,” says Tack Tickle, head of The Reallyiest Trulyiest Patriotests.
“And that’s watching Rambo sling hot freedom at the world with his shirt off for reasons that aren’t always clear but let’s not overthink it ok? The man keeps himself in good shape and a lot of democracy defending happens to take place in the tropics and that’s as much as I am comfortable analyzing that if that’s quite alright with you all.”
The scheduling conflict between the civil unrest and the movie marathon came as a last minute reprieve for the many people who had feared the protest might descend into a monster truck rally.
“No, despite what some are theorizing, we did not ask or encourage The Movie Network to spend the princely sum of $3.75 for the broadcasting rights to the entire Criterion Collection of Rambo,” said state legislator Lee Carter, looking out of his office window at the pleasantly vacant space in front of the Virginia State legislature.
“But moving forward I have suggested that they loop those movies with the wonderful Universal Soldier series (oh yes, there’s more than one of those as well) in a continuous loop until we can get a few basic laws passed that may just bring gun crime in this nation back down to a third world level.”