News

Pangolin Says It Has More Viruses Where That Came From If People Don’t Leave It The Fuck Alone

pangolin-2
The ground pangolin stopped in the long, swaying grass of the African veld, and turned to face a visiting reporter who had just asked him if he was aware that a virus that appears to have originated in his species has infected tens of thousands of humans, and may yet infect countless more.

“Oh yes,” he said, scratching his long nose in what is generally considered to be the universal pangolin signal that it would like some space, “And there’s a lot more where that came from if you and the rest of your horde of hairless planet destroyers don’t leave us, and all of the other animals: The fuck. Alone.”

Prized for being trapped on this planet with us, pangolins are like all creatures that have come into direct contact with human beings: Immediately and horribly exploited.

Researchers say they wouldn’t test the armoured mammals.

“Or eat them. It really isn’t worth it,” says Dr. Haffa Napal, at the Kenyan Center For Not Devouring Everything You Voracious Psychopaths.

“Apart from the possibility of contracting an exotic disease, when thinking about chewing a pangolin you have to ask yourself, really? The first clue that these guys probably don’t want to be consumed is that they are covered in hundreds of tiny shields. Which sort of screams, ‘Find something else to eat. Have you tried the cassava?'”

Equipped with a tongue that is longer than its body, the pangolin is considered especially well-suited to spreading diseases that will make the entire human race wish they’d listened to Joaquin Phoenix, and become vegans while they had the chance.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the pangolin said that he’d prefer to not go into the specifics of the diseases his species stands ready to unleash on a particular predator. One with a penchant for cruise ships and living in extremely close proximity to one another.

“But let’s just say they’ll make that relatively benign respiratory disease that you are all hopelessly trying to quarantine right now look like a sniffle. You think coronavirus is bad? Wait until you find out about Pangola.”

 

For more satire that is either out there, or about there, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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48 replies »

  1. If Chinese men weren’t so afraid of Tiny-Dick-itis, and stopped eating/smoking/rubbing pangolin scales, this wouldn’t be a problem.

    Like

    • They don’t, though, Really, I’m surprised that they haven’t been vastly popular as companion animals. Nothing about the appearance of this thing suggests that it should be edible.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This counts for the whalers in Sweden. Or the gorilla catchers in Central Africa. Or the tuna hunters from the USA or the seal clubbers in Namibia. Or the de braked and de clawed chickens, cattle in tiny enclosures force fed and pig factories stacked on top of each other producing more young to satisfy our pig feasts and these are all in first world countries with barbaric slaughtering practices to place our beloved meat in plastic strapped punnets. Or the geese force fed to create huge livers to serve your pate at cocktail parties. Or the confined bat’s that poop coffee beans for your lovely barista coffee from indonesia. Or the lion can hunters and big five hunters of Africa for trophies and photoshoots. Or the elephant rides in Asia. Or swimming with dolphins in confined spaces and aquariums. Or the zoos and circuses across the world where bears walk in circles and tigers yearn for freedom. The people wearing leather shoes, belts and jackets. The milk stolen from impregnated human endorsed raped cows lactating and mooing for their babies turned into veal. For the cute puppy you buy from a puppy mill. The crayfish and prawns, squid and fish stolen from the deep seas. The horse races you bet on and the slower older old horses left to die and not cared for after making millions for the owners and the betters. For the donkeys working in mines fetching cobalt for your cellphone batteries and literally drop dead from exhaustion. For the netting of sharks and sawing of their fins for soup. For the ant poison and crop spraying, killing bees and insects who pollinate our food. we spray this freely affecting all bird life in the process. For the animals testing our beauty products and the chimps, rats, bunnies and others who endlessly endure pharma testing. For the animal bones used to make gellotine used in many of our tinned products. None of us are innocent in the taking of animal lives. Mirror oneself and ask yourself this one question. Have you affected an animal or animal specie today? I bet you have!! It’s not just China.. It is everywhere!!!! It’s worldwide. Look at what you and your own citizens and people are doing right in front of your nose..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s all so true and very disturbing and I am as responsible as anyone else

    But until we can learn to elect politicians that understand this we have no hope of changing our disastrous path

    Liked by 1 person

    • You can’t be pissed that no-one is wanting to read your article are you Brown? Tell ya what, when I feel like reading an instruction manual on how to be boring, I’ll give you a call and ask you to write it. Or would I be correct in assuming you have a few thousand drafts?

      Like

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