The ground pangolin stopped in the long, swaying grass of the African veld, and turned to face a visiting reporter who had just asked him if he was aware that a virus that appears to have originated in his species has infected tens of thousands of humans, and may yet infect countless more.
“Oh yes,” he said, scratching his long nose in what is generally considered to be the universal pangolin signal that it would like some space, “And there’s a lot more where that came from if you and the rest of your horde of hairless planet destroyers don’t leave us, and all of the other animals: The fuck. Alone.”
Prized for being trapped on this planet with us, pangolins are like all creatures that have come into direct contact with human beings: Immediately and horribly exploited.
Researchers say they wouldn’t test the armoured mammals.
“Or eat them. It really isn’t worth it,” says Dr. Haffa Napal, at the Kenyan Center For Not Devouring Everything You Voracious Psychopaths.
“Apart from the possibility of contracting an exotic disease, when thinking about chewing a pangolin you have to ask yourself, really? The first clue that these guys probably don’t want to be consumed is that they are covered in hundreds of tiny shields. Which sort of screams, ‘Find something else to eat. Have you tried the cassava?'”
Equipped with a tongue that is longer than its body, the pangolin is considered especially well-suited to spreading diseases that will make the entire human race wish they’d listened to Joaquin Phoenix, and become vegans while they had the chance.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the pangolin said that he’d prefer to not go into the specifics of the diseases his species stands ready to unleash on a particular predator. One with a penchant for cruise ships and living in extremely close proximity to one another.
“But let’s just say they’ll make that relatively benign respiratory disease that you are all hopelessly trying to quarantine right now look like a sniffle. You think coronavirus is bad? Wait until you find out about Pangola.”
For more satire that is either out there, or about there, follow The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.
Categories: News
Brilliant writing!
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Are you mad, the man has put a capital letter at the beginning of each word in the tittle, the man needs shooting
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The “tittle” Ummmmm
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I like the word tittle. What does it mean?? 🤔
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Loved it! Great job of satire. Very clever. You might consider a copy editor. That person could really help the cadence and make your fine writing extraordinary!
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If Chinese men weren’t so afraid of Tiny-Dick-itis, and stopped eating/smoking/rubbing pangolin scales, this wouldn’t be a problem.
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That selectively ignores salmonella, bird flu, swine flu, Ebola, HIV, Giardia, just to name a few. It would appear the overwhelming message here is to just leave animals in general the fuck alone.
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Include Rhino horns,Elephant tusks and Tiger penis’s
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If we all go vegan, the world would soon be a dessert. We will eat every plant weed shrub
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What rubbish! Currently 70% of crops grown go for animal feed, which is a far less efficient use of land/water than growing for human consumption.
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Desert or dessert? The confusion is palpable here, we’re talking about food after all.
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Mmmm imagine the world being one big dessert…. yum
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Ummm… That’s how you write a title 😂
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Actually I’m pretty sure vegetables are a renewable resource
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So are animals. Otherwise, we’d have run out millennia ago… Lol.
How’s that for a tittle?
(moar LoL)
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Vegan food has more chemicals then diesel fuel..Vegan dosen’t mean vegetarian..When I hear the word Vegan, I always think of Soylent Green..🤣🤣
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‘The world would soon be a “dessert”‘. Hmmm…maybe try some veggies, at least for the fiber. The (ahem) “backup” seems to have reached your cranial void and addled your thinking…
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I don’t think so. With all the arable land we’d convert from animal feed to feeding humans we could produce a lot more. Some land can be used for rotating crops that don’t overlap in growing seasons and harvests.
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Are u nuts? Just because YOU don’t like something? Get a life. Jeez.
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Kevin,
It seems you not only have tiny-dick-itis, tiny-brain-itis, a tiny heart and a big tis. What an unpleasant surprise you are to manage to bring out your dark, fetid and twisted racism from the pits of your depraved soul. At a moment when people should have empathy towards each other you stoop down with your racist comments without adding any value to this world. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you should change your ways. The only way is up for you.
Ahmad
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Your article is so great it’s going viral! Thanks for infecting the internets with your writing.
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Thanks Gail.
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Yeah, Funny ,Great .THANK YOU
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But what if those little scaly creatures are delicious and make your dick as hard as the rock of Gibraltar? Won’t a little deadly virus be worth it?
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They don’t, though, Really, I’m surprised that they haven’t been vastly popular as companion animals. Nothing about the appearance of this thing suggests that it should be edible.
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Crabs and Lobsters are pretty ugly too, but we theme entire restaurant chains based on them… that said, it was an attempt at hyperbole.
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This counts for the whalers in Sweden. Or the gorilla catchers in Central Africa. Or the tuna hunters from the USA or the seal clubbers in Namibia. Or the de braked and de clawed chickens, cattle in tiny enclosures force fed and pig factories stacked on top of each other producing more young to satisfy our pig feasts and these are all in first world countries with barbaric slaughtering practices to place our beloved meat in plastic strapped punnets. Or the geese force fed to create huge livers to serve your pate at cocktail parties. Or the confined bat’s that poop coffee beans for your lovely barista coffee from indonesia. Or the lion can hunters and big five hunters of Africa for trophies and photoshoots. Or the elephant rides in Asia. Or swimming with dolphins in confined spaces and aquariums. Or the zoos and circuses across the world where bears walk in circles and tigers yearn for freedom. The people wearing leather shoes, belts and jackets. The milk stolen from impregnated human endorsed raped cows lactating and mooing for their babies turned into veal. For the cute puppy you buy from a puppy mill. The crayfish and prawns, squid and fish stolen from the deep seas. The horse races you bet on and the slower older old horses left to die and not cared for after making millions for the owners and the betters. For the donkeys working in mines fetching cobalt for your cellphone batteries and literally drop dead from exhaustion. For the netting of sharks and sawing of their fins for soup. For the ant poison and crop spraying, killing bees and insects who pollinate our food. we spray this freely affecting all bird life in the process. For the animals testing our beauty products and the chimps, rats, bunnies and others who endlessly endure pharma testing. For the animal bones used to make gellotine used in many of our tinned products. None of us are innocent in the taking of animal lives. Mirror oneself and ask yourself this one question. Have you affected an animal or animal specie today? I bet you have!! It’s not just China.. It is everywhere!!!! It’s worldwide. Look at what you and your own citizens and people are doing right in front of your nose..
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Yes, you are 100% correct. Don’t forget what we do to ourselves! Slavery, imprisonment, working for The Man who is polluting our environment, killing our trees, pushing its culture on indigenous people.
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This says it all. Go vegan!!
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Well said!!! This needs to be emphasized repeatedly.
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Right on – choices –
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You go, Nelly! I struggle daily with whether the world is a wonderful place to live, or have its inhabitants turned it into one huge hell hole of suffering. That keeps my head spinning and my heart breaking. I only pause to ponder that it is a matter of perspective and how much one can tolerate… and just how fortunate one actually is… I don’t sleep well.
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whalers in Sweden? Don’t you confuse us with Norwegians. To the best of my knowledge, there was not been whalers in Sweden for centuries.
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Apology! You are right!
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Whalers in Japan as well
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It’s all so true and very disturbing and I am as responsible as anyone else
But until we can learn to elect politicians that understand this we have no hope of changing our disastrous path
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WERE DOOMED!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Very poorly written article…learn some grammar and punctuation. Agree with the content.
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You can’t be pissed that no-one is wanting to read your article are you Brown? Tell ya what, when I feel like reading an instruction manual on how to be boring, I’ll give you a call and ask you to write it. Or would I be correct in assuming you have a few thousand drafts?
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Very poor comment. Learn some empathy for those who do not master, as you suggest, the english language.
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ha ha ha ha 😀 Brilliant!
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Check out this video of what really goes on in China
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Can someone please translate this page in Chinese and Vietnamese ASAP.
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Thank-you for bringing us the word from the pangolins! Thoroughly enjoyable read. Sure our barbarian ancestors didn’t know any better but we are about due a paradigm shift, or even just a dose of common sense.
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I love this article so much! Hilarious and true!!!
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great,really love it! thanks!
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So witty!
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