Experts in not-needlessly-dying say as many as 8,000 lives have been saved today by an unlikely source: the novel coronavirus. This, after America’s largest gun convention was cancelled over fears that people could die as a result of the gathering. Other than in sweeping storms of indiscriminate hot lead.
“It is with a heavy tactical vest that we have had to take the tough decision to call off this year’s edition of ViolenceCon,” said the convention’s organizer, Michael “Trig” Gurfing-Gurr.
“Yes, it’s a shame to have to cancel the world’s largest meeting of gun aficionados. But in this one, extremely specific instance, we have to put safety first.”
The organizer went on to say that the sponsors of ViolenceCon simply didn’t want anyone getting hurt in a way that didn’t involve high-speed projectiles, collateral damage, field dressings, and a frantic search for an exit wound.
The cancellation of this one convention alone is estimated to have stopped the sale of three medium-sized nation’s worth of assault rifles; enough handguns to cover the moon in an even layer of pistols 14 feet thick; and 6 billion hours of the tragically juvenile daydreams that the attendees of ViolenceCon entertain each year, of saving the world from [insert unresolved and internalized but statistically-highly-unlikely-to-ever-manifest childhood fear].
The development comes as other unexpected positives began to surface at the edges of the global reaction to the coronavirus. In China, air quality is at its highest levels since they invented coal in the 13th century BCE. And in Africa, that continent’s big five game animals have lately noticed a distinct lack of lazy, pink fuckheads shooting bullets at them from the long grass.
“What happened to the trigger-happy-but-inwardly-very-sad primates?” a leopard was overheard asking a wildebeest, on a particularly calm afternoon in Tanzania recently – uninterrupted by the rending sounds of distant rifle shots, and ensuing victory whoops of momentarily-satisfied dentists.
“I heard they’re afraid of being killed by a suddenly ubiquitous being that is much smaller than themselves. One that travels in mysterious ways, and attacks indiscriminately. And from which there is no apparent escape.”
“Imagine that,” said the wildebeest, thoughtfully chewing his cud as he watched the sun set. “Imagine that.”