TORONTO – Local police are on the hunt for a man they believe may have shook as many as two dozen hands yesterday, in a brazen virus-transmitting spree with no clear motive. And they say they have reason to believe he may shake again.
“This man is armed, and two-handed,” said Officer Marjorie Wood, a Toronto police spokesperson. She was addressing reporters over a video livestream, taking the obvious basic precaution of not holding a news conference during the opening salvos of a global health crisis.
“And for reasons known only to himself, he appears to be wantonly turning himself into a potential virus super-carrier. With the widespread warnings that have been broadcast surrounding social distancing, we can only assume this man is a psycho killer. Quesque c’est, you ask? Someone whose actions are so cavalier they risk the health and lives of countless others.”
Toronto police aren’t the only ones seeking somewhere between 1 and 10,000 such homicidal maniacs operating in their area. In New York this past weekend, murderers crowded bars to drink red rums and carouse like assholes. And in Los Angeles oblivious buffoons were seen still pecking each other on both cheeks in a greeting that is now both European in terms of style, and in terms of being banned.
Desperate to slow the spread of the highly contagious coronavirus, Toronto police have begun going door to door (in appropriate protective attire) in their search for anyone fitting the description of a selfish cretin.
“The suspect, or suspects, is believed to think this is ‘just the flu,’ and isn’t worried about the virus because they heard somewhere it isn’t all that likely to kill them,” Officer Wood continued.
“Their demands are that they want to carry on living their lives as normal.”
She stopped, and gave a strange look to the camera.
“As though they aren’t members of a civilization battling the most rapidly spreading lethal virus in a century. And as though there’s going to be a ‘normal life’ if they don’t take this seriously now. While we still have something resembling a chance.”