News

Area Man Says He’s Not Anti-Science, He’s Anti-Personal-Inconvenience-To-Save-Millions-Of-Lives

Cocky man grimacing, portrait

Saying he understands the numbers just fine, local resident Reggie Lackson confirmed that the problem he has with “all this social distancing,” isn’t related to an inability to comprehend the science behind it. It’s because he doesn’t think he should have to sit on his couch a few extra hours a day to save countless millions of lives.

“What’s next? Saving further lives by agreeing not to drive while intoxicated? All of us getting Amber alerts to our individual phones when a child’s life is in clear and imminent danger? What about my right to drive utterly smashed, or sleep the deep and dreamless sleep of those who have managed to become selfishly numb?”

Asked if there was anything that could persuade him to watch more of his favourite shows than normal, in exchange for greatly increasing the number of people who get to see summer again, Lackson was terribly, horribly, ineffably, and disappointingly succinct.

“No.”

And it appears Reggie is far from alone.

“Look, I’m all for trying to keep the overall mortality rate of a massive pandemic down to somewhere below the combined population of a few small countries,” says Lackson’s neighbour, Cindy Cravenhurst. “But you guys. There’s only so long I can go without professional hands touching this hair.” 

Experts say they aren’t surprised that millions of human beings have managed to survive into adult life without a functioning compassion valve.

“Obviously. Unless you’ve been living under a submarine for the past twenty years, you’ll have noticed that people in general have the cooperative instincts of a cobra,” says Dr. Yu-Endigh, head of Oxford University’s Centre For Studying The Self-Centred.

Yu-Endigh goes on to ask if it’s any wonder that our societies – which spent the past few years ignoring the worst displaced-persons’ crisis in human history, or using it to scare people into electing semi-sentient racist asshats – are now seeing the rise of people who are unwilling to do the absolute minimum required to save lives: staying home. 

The doctor’s answer to his own questions is terribly, horribly, ineffably, and disappointingly succinct.

“No.” 

 

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