Zoo animals have collectively confessed they are finding it difficult to sympathize with the current plight of many humans, as their bipedal captors attempt to mitigate the effects of a global pandemic by confining themselves to their habitats for an indefinite period of time.
“It must be awful,” said a morbidly obese Arctic fox, while lying flat on his back with all four paws in the air and staring at the cement ceiling of his 15-square-metre pen.
“Only minimal exercise? God. What. A. Drag,” he added, aimlessly batting at a heavy piece of frayed rope with a knot in one end, before sighing heavily.
“We really can’t imagine what it must be like,” confessed a lion, pausing in the languid application of his 58th tongue bath of the day, to express his deepest sarcasms to all of the people.
“To one moment be roaming free across the broad and open environs of the world, only to suddenly find yourself staring at four unforgiving walls, as you obsessively ponder the predictable details of your next repetitive meal, and wallow in stale air that is heavy with your own scent.”
But not all of the animals were unsympathetic to the current human situation. Some were also confused.
“What is an ‘essential outing?'” asked a red panda, opening one eye after a nice 72-hour-depression-induced nap. “Is that like when we get sent off to other zoos, so we can be trapped in a new country? Because I have to warn you, it isn’t as fun as it sounds.”
And the elephants kindly offered sage advice for anyone, man or beast, confined to a too-small space for an indefinite period of time.
“We find the main keys,” said a small herd of these largest of land mammals, sonorously as one, “are to paint a lot, forget your old life as quickly as possible, and throw poop at one another every once in a while to lighten the mood. Good luck people. And if you could let us out when you get a chance, that would be swell.”