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Experts Agree Long Weekend Just A Fucking Insult At This Stage

img_4351Global holiday experts, known as “the employed” in most countries, have today agreed that the timing of this year’s Easter weekend “is a direct and pointed insult to anyone who has in the past relied on this holiday to maintain their work-life balance, and are now left with just life, and no work. And no balance.”

“It’s like someone giving you a set of new tires to help you get over crashing your car,” said Chase Lounge, an upper-level sales manager at I’se The B’y Office Supplies, in St. John’s, Newfoundland. “I like a long weekend as much as the next guy sure, but after spending the last few weeks plumbing the disturbing depths of my addiction to human fail videos, I say no thank you sir.”

“It’s an odd surplus to be sure,” agrees Tom O’Furlough, a recently shelved bartender in Dublin, Ireland. “It’s like someone throwing you a shot glass while you’re inexplicably drowning in an ocean of single malt.”

While it’s clearly hard to say whose fault this is, many of those who are finding this weekend long enough as it is without have two extra days of it, have openly wondered what Jesus was thinking dying on this weekend nearly two thousand years ago.

“Mate,” said Australian Tim Boggroll, a carpenter by trade, but a man who hasn’t raised a hammer since late March. “As a member of the Holy Trinity, surely ol’ Jazza knew that in a little under two millennia, people would consider a Good Friday any one in which they were allowed to stand within six cubits of each another and talk about something other than curves and viral load. Really hafta say I don’t think J Chriggity thought this whole ‘passing over’ sitcho through.”

And reached for comment, all of the parents of school-aged children around the world wept softly from the insides of their closets.

 

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4 replies »

  1. I got to thinkin , no dumpin the kids on Gramma this long weekend while Mom and Dad slip away for a break. Bets are that most parents are ready to turn themselves in to Dr. Phil before they run away from home.

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