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In Latest Sign Nature Is Healing, Streakers Spotted Returning To World’s Stadiums

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As dragons continue to return to England, Zambonis to the frozen lakes of Canada, and wild toy poodles to the streets of Los Angeles, another sign has emerged that while humans quarantine, nature is reasserting itself: Streakers have finally begun returning to the sports stadiums of the world.

“Other than a few wild nights during my first year of university, I’ve never seen so many streakers in one place,” says Dub Aldair, head groundskeeper at London’s Wembley Stadium, gesturing over his shoulder at the empty stadium behind him. “There’s nearly two dozen of them in there right now, running in circles, shouting, laughing, sliding under each other’s tackles, and bouncing body parts around that really would benefit from some form of athletic support garment.”

He pauses, and rubs a tear from the corner of one eye.

“I just never thought I’d see it in my lifetime.” 

Ornithologists say the featherless, wingless, pantsless, and fearless creatures have absolutely nothing to do with their area of expertise, and to not call back. 

“It’s a dream come true,” says Dr. Bearital, part of a team of conservationists who have worked tirelessly over the past two decades to designate professional sports fields as clothing-optional reserves for exhibitionists.

“Seeing an entire flock of streakers coming together in Fenway’s outfield, without being disrupted by burly security guards, or having players utterly ignore their bared existence, is an experience that simply defies words. I hope someone makes a movie. It’s just a shame the title ‘Free Willy’ has already been used.” 

While many have pointed out that when sports eventually resume play, the streakers will once again find themselves barred for life from their indigenous habitats, Bearital and his colleagues express hope that a more forgiving, slower world will emerge from this time of isolation. 

“Perhaps we could find a way to integrate the streakers into the sports themselves, with built-in breaks for naked running of the bases, climbing the uprights, and hugging the referees and umpires.”

And if not, the doctor adds, as he beginning to unbutton his shirt.

“Maybe it’s time we ask ourselves: what sort of people do we want to be? Ones who want to see winning streaks? Or ones who create a sustainable environment for grinning streakers?”

 

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