As calls in many nations grow to reopen the economy as quickly as possible – curves, consequences, and transmission rates be damned – support for the initiative has come from a not-unexpected quarter: that of the International League of Coronaviruses, Local COVID-19.
“If you ask us, we don’t know why you closed it down in the first place,” a spokesparasite for the novel coronavirus said, after being reached for comment while trapped in the elevator of a quiet office building. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it’s made it for us to spread. We would greatly appreciate it if you would all just return to focussing on the money you could be making, goods you could be exchanging, and speaking you could be uttering moistly.”
While many governments of the world have sworn they are not working on behalf of the disease, that their actions would seem to say otherwise has led to accusations of complicity between certain presidents and the virus itself.
“No,” the spokesparasite answered, when asked if it the coronavirus is dictating policy decisions on how to prevent the spread of the coronavirus in countries like the United States, which now has over 600,000 reported cases of the disease, and growing. “It just looks that way.”
Noting the increasing number of politicians and pundits who are calling for the economy to be immediately unfettered in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations where being the loudest asshole is considered a career move, the coronavirus says it has never been more optimistic about its future.
“It wasn’t looking good for a minute there, we’ll admit,” one microscopic parasite named Suriv Anoroc says. “You think your economic forecasts took a downturn? You should see the growth curve we were on before you guys preventatively locked everything down. I had to tell my kids they weren’t likely to make it to Christmas, much less get presents. Those were dark times for a start-up virus, I have to say.”
“But with all of this talk of immediately throwing people back into office buildings, schools, food courts, and gyms by the billions, the future is once again bright for droplet transmissible viruses with high contagion rates. And the economy. Of course. You just keep focussing on that economy of yours.”