News

Solar Power Holds Rock Steady At $000,000,000.00 Per Barrel

sunsteal

An unknown man packs nearly $0,000.00 worth of sunlight into his trunk, as solar markets hold steady.

Carrying on a trend that started 4.6 billion years ago, and is expected to endure for at least another 20 billion fiscal quarters, the energy blasting towards Earth in an unbroken stream from the sun continued to demand exactly $000,000,000.00 per barrel on the open markets today. 

“Look, the bad news is no one made a killing on this energy source we like to call ‘daylight,’ this week,” said solar market expert Max Helios. “There have been no new nearby suns discovered for a very long time, and the energy is difficult to monopolize, falling as it does in an even pattern of life-giving brilliance on the upturned face of our planet.”

“But the good news is no one is having to pay anyone else to take their solar energy. And never will.”

That stability is especially notable this week, as an empty barrel of oil came to be worth more than a full one, and all the bathtubs and water beds in Alberta and Texas have been repurposed as crude oil storage facilities. 

“Oh,” says sun farmer Nick Flare, gazing out over his field of solar panels. “The haters will rush to list the cost of mining the materials needed to make the panels, or store the power, and yes, it’s true, collecting the sun’s energy has a price. But billions of people can right now stand in a window, or on their balcony, or in the backyard, and be warmedby the radiant heat of a nearby star. For absolutely free.” 

He went on to point out there isn’t a plant on Earth that needs petrochemicals to grow, and no one in human history has asked in their final days to be wheeled outside so they may feel an oil field’s warmth play across their face one last time, as they remember childhoods bathed in petroleum. 

“People pay thousands of dollars to drink scotch mixed with ice taken from glaciers. But to read your book by the projected light of a mass of incandescent gas? That will cost you a grand total of 0 trillion dollars and 0 cents,” Flare said.

With afternoon stretching on, he cast a long shadow across his front lawn – a striking negative of a positive image: a man standing on a planet hurtling through space, warmed by a fuel source that is, much like ourselves, fundamentally free.

 

For more satire that is out there, or about there, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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15 replies »

  1. All I can say is that this is brilliant! The down side is that since the near shut down of capitalism, the air has been cleaning up, rivers are much less contaminated, and lobbyists in D.C. are having hard times.

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  2. A very Canadian perspective on the sun… In Arizona, it is the burning fire of helios that must be blocked by roofs, trees and temporary shade structures or it will kill us all… for free. That said, satire is at its best when it just cleanly lists the facts for all to see. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wouldn’t say solar is free…… ALL of the materials needed to make the parts for solar panels are petrochemical derivatives, not to ignore how the machines that make, transport, and install them are powered. AND most solar plants require natural gas, nuclear, or coal plants to supplement during peak hours and when the sun isn’t shining. It’s super energy intensive to turn the supplemental plants on and off so they are usually just running idle. Until solar becomes more efficient via battery storage or more efficient cells, it’s just fossil fuels rebranded — without fossil fuels, solar could not exist.

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