In a move that many saw coming, the council of Theoretical Life On Mars today banned all flights from Earth for at least the next five millennia, citing concerns over an outbreak of humans on the neighbouring planet.
“While we would of course like to welcome the residents of Earth to our pristine planet,” a spokesmartian for the council stated, in a language best-described as a series of profoundly moving chords, “as that currently includes a species of preternaturally destructive bipedals who specialize in ruination and replication, we will at this time have to respectfully ask you all to stay the primitive-human-intercourse away from us.”
Mars was quickly joined by the other 11 planets of the solar system, revealing that there are in fact 5 more planets than the self-declared “Space Age” residents of Earth have so far detected.
The move was greeted with disappointment and frustration on Earth, a mood that was felt particularly acutely by the billionaire class, many of whom had been planning to depart their planet in hopes of being able to systemically rape a new celestial body of its resources in the name of moar dividends.
“Can they even do that?” asked Elon Musk, after alleging the Martians were known pedophiles. “I mean, it’s a free universe. What are they going to do? Atomize me with an ancient weapon of unimaginable strength?”
“Any Earthship approaching our planet will be atomized with an ancient weapon capable of disappearing your forebears back to the beginning of your race’s chaotic existence,” the Theoretical Life council said in a perfect C. “Thank you for respecting our immutable power. Your Curiosity robot can stay, as we’ve trained him to fetch neutrinos.”
The council went on to say that this decision would be up for review in a short 5,000 Earth years.
“By which time our estimates indicate humans will have been extinct for 4900 years, and the dolphins will have achieved interplanetary capabilities.”