News

Mars Officially Bans All Flights From Earth, Says It Will Review Policy In 5,000 Years

marsIn a move that many saw coming, the council of Theoretical Life On Mars today banned all flights from Earth for at least the next five millennia, citing concerns over an outbreak of humans on the neighbouring planet.

“While we would of course like to welcome the residents of Earth to our pristine planet,” a spokesmartian for the council stated, in a language best-described as a series of profoundly moving chords, “as that currently includes a species of preternaturally destructive bipedals who specialize in ruination and replication, we will at this time have to respectfully ask you all to stay the primitive-human-intercourse away from us.” 

Mars was quickly joined by the other 11 planets of the solar system, revealing that there are in fact 5 more planets than the self-declared “Space Age” residents of Earth have so far detected. 

The move was greeted with disappointment and frustration on Earth, a mood that was felt particularly acutely by the billionaire class, many of whom had been planning to depart their planet in hopes of being able to systemically rape a new celestial body of its resources in the name of moar dividends. 

“Can they even do that?” asked Elon Musk, after alleging the Martians were known pedophiles. “I mean, it’s a free universe. What are they going to do? Atomize me with an ancient weapon of unimaginable strength?”

“Any Earthship approaching our planet will be atomized with an ancient weapon capable of disappearing your forebears back to the beginning of your race’s chaotic existence,” the Theoretical Life council said in a perfect C. “Thank you for respecting our immutable power. Your Curiosity robot can stay, as we’ve trained him to fetch neutrinos.”

The council went on to say that this decision would be up for review in a short 5,000 Earth years. 

“By which time our estimates indicate humans will have been extinct for 4900 years, and the dolphins will have achieved interplanetary capabilities.”

 

For more satire that is either out there, or about there, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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32 replies »

    • Cant answer anyone’s reply but its true that we are from various species ae encapsulated in this human body to perform actions.

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  1. Another piece of garbage written by a leftist. If you think humanity is so bad, leave the human race. Your not clever, your an echo of most sub 100 I.Q. writers.

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      • People like you always say “humans are destroyers… Humans are destroyers..blah..blah..blah”. You are also a human ok?, jump of a building if you think your race is that bad. And by reading this, I believe that you must be high on weed. Let me tell you that we are fixing the earth now. The earth has more trees than they were in 90s, a study shows. And we are switching to renewable energy and electric vehicles at a fast pace to preserve the earth and humanity in the future. But no, you people will always, ALWAYS ignore the good things humans are doing to earth. And now you will make excuses like “NOO!!! THE DESTRUCTION IS MORE THAN CREATION…BLAH…BLAH…BLAH”. HOW!? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THIS?? You cannot say what is more or what is less without counting EACH AND EVERY creation and EACH AND EVERY destruction. 😡😡😡😡😡

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          • Oh shut up, in reality, you don’t have any answer to me, because I am right and you are wrong. You are taking it out of context, but let me tell you that this is not gonna change the reality. THE REALITY IS THAT YOY JUST DON’T WANNA ACCEPT THAT WHAT I AM SAYING IS RIGHT, AND JUST TAKING IT OUT OF CONTEXT TO CREATE DISTRACTION, BUT BUDDY, THIS IS NOT GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING

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        • Also, You people, first ignores all the effort of scientists who are working on technology to remove toxic waste from air and water, and I already said above that world is switching to renewable energy and electric vehicles at a fast pace. And second, while you madafakas think that “noo! We become extinct… destroy ourselves…blah…blah..blah”, I strongly believe that We will become really advanced civilization, we are not same bro, we will travel between moon and mars, and WE WILL. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, HUMANS ARE RISING, HUMANS WILL RISE. And have a look at name of my account, yeah, that’s for you mr. butthurt.

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          • How are we supposed to rise, if something bad happens on earth, we would be trapped by then because of the space junk which are leftovers of previous space missions orbiting planet earth. Instead of fighting with each other, think of a way and help our scientists.

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        • Have you read the Planet of the Humans, so called renewable energy uses as much energy as fossil fuels, as it uses fossil fuels to produce renewable energy. A fact. If you don’t believe me read it.The only way to rebalance this planet is to drastically reduce the number of humans.

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  2. It’s like chopping all the parts of a human and then sticking them with glue. Scientists are really trying to make earth better and conserve it but the majority of people who just destroy it is more. We should stand with our scientists and the people who are tying to conserve it.

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  3. Some people killed a pregnant elephant by feeding her with pineapple filled with firecrackers. She died in a river and even after all the pain, she never harmed a human. What did she do to deserve this kind of fate.

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    • Some of the people killed her. Well yes, that was bad. But why are you blaming the rest of 7.8 billion people on earth just for a group of some people. And You should look at positive things too. And no, humans will not destroy mars, because mars doesn’t have fossil fuels, fossil fuels are basically a backbones of destruction. No fossil fuels, no problem.

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  4. Gosh Paul – I just found you. I love your satire. Cracked me up! Seems like some folk don’t understand that concept.
    So sad when they see everything in such an angry and fear-filled way.
    Looking forward to future posts.

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  5. Relax boi. Like who said the author doesnt support scientist? Maybe he support them but also like to write sattire to tickle people in such tight times like thisss!? Or maybe he himself is a sci3ntist!?!?!? But agree boi more people are doin good things today and lets increase its numberr!!

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  6. How do you know the martians said that? Why is this not on the newspaper? Is our government hidding this from us??

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  7. I hope the Martians aren’t reading the commentary here or they won’t review their policy at all. They won’t have to because we will surely self destruct well before then. The arrogance, selfishnes, short-sidedness, and self serving pretzel logic rationales people use in their arguments only proves the poignancy of the satire here. We are doomed. But maybe that is the underlying motive behind all of this nasty prattle. Grab all you can before someone else takes it or it is all gone. Screw tomorrow. And what has posterity ever done for me?

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