NEWARK – In a move that has been expected by everyone other than humans for quite some time, the rest of life on Earth today voted to do what has to be […]
Rest Of Earth’s Inhabitants Vote To Phase Out People By The Year 2040
Paul Duncan
Tuberculosis Put In Charge Of The CDC
Saying he felt that the lung-attacking bacteria had a lot of good ideas on how to defend people’s bodies from infection, President Donald Trump today appointed TB as the new director of […]
Gang Of Ontario Teachers Caught In Nefarious Plot To Give Kids The Best Possible Education
In what is already being described by Premier Doug Ford as “the darkest day in the long history of the great fiefdom of Ontario,” police today revealed that they have discovered a […]
Bowing To Public Pressure, Canada Bans Keeping Hockey Players In Captivity
“Oh and there he goes,” says June Lynnesmen, a volunteer at the Free The Forecheckers Foundation, as she watches yet another hockey player take to his skates and disappear off across the […]
Trump To Spend Rest Of Term Personally Buzzing People Through Southern Border
Saying he really wasn’t that busy anyway, U.S. President Donald Trump today announced that he will henceforward personally vet all applicants looking to enter the United States via the southern border, with […]
China Just Glad To See Canada Finally Doing Their Part For The Environment
“At the risk of offending our remote northern neighbors, it’s about Peking time,” said a Chinese diplomat today, as the world’s largest industrialized economy (by output) welcomed the world’s second-largest economy (by […]
Breaking: April Fool’s Day Called Off Due To General Agreement Shit Already Weird Enough
With global absurdity levels at an all time high, in an eleventh hour decision the United Nations has moved to cancel April Fool’s day for the first time since Pharoah Ramesses told […]
Honest Worker Programs New Batch Of Ontario Licence Plates To Read “Yours To Never Recover”
The plot to change Ontario’s licence plates from the longstanding slogan of “Yours to Discover” to the creepy-grin-from-a-used-car-salesman-inspired “Open for Business,” has taken a new twist, after a batch of 10,000 license […]
US And Canada Ground All Guns Until Safety Experts Can Determine Why Anyone Needs One
Following the terrible concurrency of a mass shooting in New Zealand and an aviation disaster in Ethiopia – both leading to horrifying loss of life, and both leading to immediate and significant […]
Facing Global Shortage Of Thoughts And Prayers, NZ Gives Legislation And Action A Try
WELLINGTON – A country known for its ingenuity and self-sufficiency has once again looked within for an answer to their problems this week, as New Zealand eschewed the rapidly diminishing supply of […]
