The Out And Abouter

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Tuesday, February 19th, 2019|
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Britain Votes To Discourage Migration By Ruining Country

By Paul Duncan on June 24, 2016 • ( 1 Comment )

Continuing to look as surprised as everyone else on earth, Boris Johnson emerged from his Ostrich Pillow (pictured) this evening to take yet more questions on the future of Britain, and was […]

Microsoft Buys LinkedIn for 26 Billion Boredoms

By Paul Duncan on June 19, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

In an unexpected break from their roots as a renegade trendsetter, Microsoft announced last week that they will be purchasing LinkedIn for half of all the boredoms in the continental United States. […]

Canada Quietly Begins Looking For A Better Neighbourhood To Live In

By Paul Duncan on June 14, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

“I’m just going to put out some feelers.” Justin Trudeau reportedly told his cabinet today, in a closed-door meeting regarding the recent violence in the United States, and more worrying likelihood there […]

Canadians Born This Century Projected To Live Most Of Their Lives With Grey Hair

By Paul Duncan on June 8, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

In news that is likely to eventually be true, a recent study revealed a strange new norm: Canadians are living long enough to spend the majority of their lives as old people. […]

Breaking: Documents Reveal Sponge Manufacturers Actively Design Them To Stink Almost Immediately

By Paul Duncan on June 5, 2016 • ( 2 Comments )

In a development that is sure to have far-reaching and lasting effects in the cleaning products industry (‘Big Sponge’ as many refer to it), proof has emerged that many of the leading […]

Thousands Of Trump Supporters Post Tributes To Ali, Subsequently Drown In Flood Of Irony

By Paul Duncan on June 4, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

A deluge of irony swept the American mid-west overnight as warm, moist thoughts pulled in from the passing of Muhammad Ali met a rising front of mainstream intolerance rolling across the United […]

As Predicted, Super-Massive Black Hole Discovered At Center Of Donald Trump

By Paul Duncan on May 31, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

A team of astrophysicists at the University of Victoria have today confirmed what has long been theorized: there is a black hole of near-infinite density at the centre of Donald Trump. “The […]

NRA Says If Gorilla In Cincinnati Zoo Had Been Armed It Would Likely Still Be Alive

By Paul Duncan on May 30, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association of People Who Willfully Defy Logic And Common Sense (NRA) wasted no time in releasing a statement in the aftermath of the shooting of […]

National Assocation Of Outdoor Ed Teachers Attempt To Clarify: ‘If Lost Stay In One Place’ Not Meant To Apply To Entire Life 

By Paul Duncan on May 24, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

Breaking: In a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon, under a lean-to made of pine boughs, a spokesperson for the Canadian Association of Outdoor Education Teachers attempted to absolve the ambiguity in […]

Area Man Cannot Stop Talking About How Media Cannot Stop Talking About Elbowgate

By Paul Duncan on May 21, 2016 • ( Leave a comment )

Conservative estimates indicate that three out of four sentences Aldwin Eldas has said in the last 24 hours have had the words Trudeau, elbow, Brosseau, what’s, the, big, old, and deal, in […]

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Much anticipated Crocodile-Alligator summit ends in disarray, following a heated debate over whether the two parties would be seeing each other later, or after a while. • • • #satire #canada #canadianmemes #cbc #newfoundland #novascotia #newbrunswick #pei #quebec #ontario #manitoba #saskatchewan #alberta #bc #toronto #yyz #thesix #416 #905 #Montreal #Vancouver #Calgary #Edmonton #Ottawa #YYC #YVR #YEG
19TH CENTURY - They're travelling by buggy, brougham, cabriolet, and calash. Pulled by worthy teams of two, four, six, and even eight animals, the United Horse-Drawn Carriage Makers for Canada are braving the sub-zero temperatures and unplowed shoulders of the Trans-Canada highway, as they make their incredibly slow and inefficient way to Ottawa. • 
Their stated intention (once they reach their destination in late spring or early fall, weather permitting) is to demand that the federal government prop up a crucial and indefinitely sustainable part of the Canadian economy: transportation by horse. •
"And let in fewer Muslims," adds one carriage-maker, Tim Hackney, who hails from the horse fields of northern Alberta. "That's a crucial part of our petition to save the horse industry. Less foreigners. And by foreigners we mean brown people. And more supporting an industry that is definitely not outdated, and has no obvious shelf-life." • • • Link to full article in bio. #satire #canada #canadianmemes #cbc #newfoundland #novascotia #newbrunswick #pei #quebec #ontario #manitoba #saskatchewan #alberta #bc #toronto #yyz #thesix #416 #905 #Montreal #Vancouver #Calgary #Edmonton #Ottawa #YYC #YVR #YEG
"Sir," said an officer in the United States Centre For Watching Every Move Those Shifty Snow Communists Make, housed in an old football stadium in Buffalo, New York. "Sir? You'd better come and have a look at this. It's the Canadians. They've disappeared." •
In a nationwide exercise that the strange band of far-northerners that call themselves Canucks never seem to tire of, Canada today deployed their state-of-the-art cloaking device - disappearing from the prying eyes of an increasingly aggressive world behind a whirling blanket of white and cold that they call "Scattered Flurries". •
"We are still here, and can hear you," confirmed Environment Canada, to the bemused outside world, as planes that had been inbound to the reclusive nation circled in holding patterns, wondering which particular part of the snowferno was an international airport. And why any of their passengers wanted to land in the middle of a nearly 10 million km² walk-in freezer. •
"This is just a test of our national invisibility device, and is separate from our international invisibility device, which actually just a function of our foreign policy. Additionally, were this a real emergency, you would not hear us complaining about how cold our cloaking device is, and what a pain it is to shovel." •
Owners of the only whole-country invisibility cloak in existence, the Canadians take great pride in their ability to blend into the Arctic on demand, regularly reminding both friends and foes alike that if things go south between Canada and any other nation, it is the other country that will have to march for weeks across thousands of diabolics of winter to either apologize or attack (it doesn't matter which, as they'll never make it). • • • Link to full article in bio. #satire #canada #canadianmemes #cbc #newfoundland #novascotia #newbrunswick #pei #quebec #ontario #manitoba #saskatchewan #alberta #bc #toronto #yyz #thesix #416 #905 #Montreal #Vancouver #Calgary #Edmonton #Ottawa #YYC #YVR #YEG
Taking time out of running arguably the most successful nation in history into the ground, through a combination of cannibalistic policies and intercontinental ballistic idiocy, U.S. President Donald Trump today warned that a severe and horrific fate awaits any nation that dares to follow Canada's lead in attempting to care equally for all of their citizens: being voted the most liveable country in the world. • "We already have over 800 million Hondurans trying to get into this country," the president said from the Oval Office today, as he slammed a clementine-sized fist down on the Resolute desk, making a noise like a snowflake hitting a warm car. • "Hell, if we improved our education system a bit, and guaranteed a little maternity leave, we could easily end up being voted one of those 'Most Livable Countries' people are always talking about," Trump said, rubbing his temples with the stress that such a prospect presented. •
"Which may sound great to some progressives, but have they considered what we'd have to do to top getting an honour like that? Have they ever thought about what happens after reaching those heights as a country? No. Like all Liberals they only think about others." •
The surreally bad leader's hypothetical scenario (of the United States undertaking a governing approach that benefits the many rather than the few - something that has yet to occur in the nation's 242 years of existence) remains a major concern amongst his base. • "Kainada?" a man says, pausing while filling his car at a Kentucky gas station, spitting out the name of his northern neighbour like it's a mix of typhoid and antifreeze. "Do I look like someone who wants to be polite and happy?" • • • #satire #canada #canadianmemes #cbc #newfoundland #novascotia #newbrunswick #pei #quebec #ontario #manitoba #saskatchewan #alberta #bc #toronto #yyz #thesix #416 #905 #Montreal #Vancouver #Calgary #Edmonton #Ottawa #YYC #YVR #YEG
Don Mitchum, 82, of Burlington, Ontario, died fitfully today in his childhood home, after a long and unfulfilling life spent worrying that people with names he refused to try and pronounce might come and live in some proximity to him. • Best known amongst his contemporaries as not really having all that much nice to say, and mostly just being the kind of guy you steered clear of once you got to know him, Don was well remembered. If not fondly. • “We didn’t called him ‘Bitchin’ Mitchum’ for nothing,” says lifelong acquaintance, Timothy Hawfield, who pointedly asked to not be referred to as Don’s friend. “He was always complaining about one group of people or another. In the 50’s, when we were teenagers together, it was the Italians and Portuguese he didn’t like. In the 60’s he spent thousands of hours railing against the Chinese and Czechs, mostly to his new wife. His kids heard all about the dangers of the Pakistanis and Vietnamese in the 70’s and 80’s. And by the 90’s he was spending a good 12 hours a day warning strangers about other strangers. New millennium? Not a new Mitchum. The man carped till he had one foot in the grave. And for what? So far as I can see, all those people Don hated came and lived generally happy lives, and it was he alone who was miserable.” • Not-friend Tim isn’t the only one who remembers the departed as a serial hater. • “Yeah, that was dad,” says Mr. Mitchum’s second daughter, Debbie, her eyes as dry as the mid-winter air. “Birthdays, graduations, funerals, weddings, there he’d be, holding forth on the great threats to this nation of immigrants, posed by – you guessed it – immigrants. For God’s sake, he used his last breath to tell me that he was pretty sure the new neighbours belong to ISIS. I’ve met them. Their last name is Kozlowski.” • Link to article in bio. #immigration #refugees #unhcr #satire #canada #canadianmemes #cbc #newfoundland #novascotia #newbrunswick #pei #quebec #ontario #manitoba #saskatchewan #alberta #bc #toronto #yyz #thesix #416 #905 #Montreal #Vancouver #Calgary #Edmonton #Ottawa #YYC #YVR #YEG
"She's a good boat," says Tim Loveless, of Nanaimo B.C., gesturing with a sweep of his arm that is both casual and deeply affectionate, towards a well-used assembly of marine ply, fibreglass, resin, a pretty shitty engine, some running gear, and a helm and throttle. The composite parts of which he christened Lady Lay, some years ago, and has dutifully referred to with the feminine pronoun ever since. Even while refusing to acknowledge the wishes of the tens of thousands of his fellow Canadians who - unlike his boat - have made it explicitly clear which gender they consider themselves. • • • Link to full article in bio. #satire #transrights #lgbt #lgbtq #canada #newfoundland #novascotia #newbrunswick #pei #quebec #ontario #manitoba #saskatchewan #alberta #bc #toronto #yyz #thesix #416 #905 #Montreal #Vancouver #Calgary #Edmonton #Ottawa #YYC #YVR #YEG

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