After breaking out in a massive rash, and suddenly beginning to feel quite feverish, the planet Earth was today forced to inform its co-globes that it thought it might be coming down […]
Earth Warns Other Planets It Might Be Contagious
Rest Of Earth’s Inhabitants Vote To Phase Out People By The Year 2040
NEWARK – In a move that has been expected by everyone other than humans for quite some time, the rest of life on Earth today voted to do what has to be […]
Venus Wishes It Got Probed A Little More Often
VENUS – “I’m not saying I need an expedition every night or anything,” the opaque, spinning mystery of a planet says, as she glides silently along her arcing trajectory through space. Alone. […]
Hubble Discovers Largest Clusterf*ck In The Known Universe
After years of peering into the darkest and most distant recesses of our universe, discovering things as unusual as dark matter, the moons of Pluto, and the very edges of the velvet […]
Experts Say Vast Deserts, Absence Of Life, May Indicate Mars Was Once Run By Conservatives
In a recent revelation, published in the respectably obscure scientific journal Knock Knock Who’s There Science Science Who Too Late, a team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately […]
Asked For Its Thoughts On Current Events, Killer Asteroid Says It Wouldn’t Worry Too Much
“Let me put it this way. Any possible issue you are currently worried about is now just a few days away from being atomized,” The Grim Reaper asteroid, yet to be detected […]
Deity Disgusted To Find Planet He’d Forgotten At Back Of Galaxy Now Covered In Humans
“Oh gross,” the immortal, all-knowing, divine overseer said, as he peered past Alpha Centauri, reached around the sun, and gingerly collected a planet with two fingers while wrinkling his nose and holding […]
