CHURONNO – As they took to madly celebrating their first basketball championship, the remote northern nation of Canada (pronounced KAAN-AH-DAH) has immediately made one thing absolutely clear: This time, they are not […]
Breaking: Canada Not Sorry
Trump Defends Use Of Translator On Trip To The UK
LONDON – After less than three minutes of attempting to speak what he referred to as “some weird form of American,” U.S. President Donald Trump promptly summoned the services of a translator […]
The Queen Seen Practicing Clavicle Strike In Preparation For Trump’s Visit
Primal screams filled the usually muted environs of Buckingham Castle’s western greeting hall, as the Queen, in camouflage exercise tights, and a black sweatshirt with bold pink letters reading “Nasty Majesty,” worked […]
9500m High Garbage Pile In New Jersey Replaces Everest As New Tallest Mountain
It towers over the surrounding countryside, a tor of trash, rising 9506m (31,187 ft) into a clear blue sky. The jet stream pulls at its peak, blowing plastic bags, diapers, and take-out […]
Petition Calling For A Rewrite Of The Season Finale Of Modern Civilization Reaches 7B Signatures
ALL THE WORLD (A STAGE) – “What is this shit?” It’s a question that billions of people have asked themselves over the past 36 months, as they watched ever-stranger characters being paraded […]
Air Canada Announces New Direct Route From Alabama To Toronto-Area Women’s Clinics
In a move as unexpected as it is disturbingly necessary, Canada’s flagship carrier today announced that it would begin operating humanitarian flights between man-state Alabama, and Toronto’s Pearson International Airport. The flights […]
Shock And Disbelief As Trump Uses The Word ‘Pardon’
“To the best of our knowledge, the sub-dialect of English Donald Trump uses has no equivalent for the words pardon, apology, rectify, or decency.” says Lincoln Abraham, a leading White-House-ologist who specializes […]
Residents Of Lost City Of Atlantis Still Waiting For Clear Evidence Sea Levels Are Rising
“It’s just an unusually high tide,” declared Maximus Denialus, a resident of the submerged city of Atlantis, as he made his 1,527th appearance as a pundit on the undersea city’s local Fox […]
Inspired By Kawhi’s Game-Winner, Local Man Correctly Chooses Fastest Line At Grocery Store
It was an ending that (preternaturally gifted) local grocery store customer Tim McClutch says was never in any doubt. “You practice all of your life for these moments,” the consummate shopper said, […]
Scientists Rush To Discover Cure For Measles Other Than The One We Already Have
As the recent measles outbreak in the United States rose to levels not seen in 25 years – with over 700 people infected with the infectious illness, more commonly known as “the […]
